We read this thing about Nuon DVDs. Not knowing what the heck a Nuon is but assuming it had nowt to do with gluons, we surfed to Nuon.tv and attempted to read the provided frequently-asked questions.

There’s something to be said for putting the most popular content up front. Here are the top five FAQs at Nuon:

  1. How do I get VLM (Virtual Light Machine) on my SD2300 to work?
  2. Where can I purchase Nuon games and peripherals?
  3. Can Nuon-enhanced players read CD-R discs?
  4. Does Nuon play MP3 files?
  5. Will Nuon-enhanced DVD players be available in Europe? If so, when?

That really settles it!

Now, then. In desperate search for an answer to the most basic question – the question that the kidz today would render as WTF is Nuon?!?!”we thought we’d hit paydirt:

Q. What is Nuon?

A. Nuon is a powerful and versatile embedded technology that enhances the passive elements of digital-video products such as DVD players, digital set-tops [Similar to digital tube tops? – Ed.] and digital satellite receivers, while adding high-performance interactive graphics and audio. This combination allows consumers to enjoy next-generation 3D videogames, interactive family software, and other flexible applications all on the same digital platform.

Updated: October 26, 2000

Web Economy Bullshit Generator, anyone?

They updated this “answer” – a full year ago, but updated nonetheless – and it’s still incomprehensible?

We cannot emphasize enough the need to use plain English in FAQs. Nuon does this half right – in four of the five most-frequently-asked questions and in these, for example:

Perfectly understandable, even punchy sometimes.

So why does the most basic FAQ – what the product it – read like the exudate of one of those adipose, self-satisfied advertising executives<slash>Dockers apologists who piloted the American Internet into the ditch?

As they used to say back in the days Before Gender Neutrality, “Men, don’t let this happen to you.”

Posted on 2001-10-18