Joe Clark: Accessibility ¶ Design ¶ Writing

Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears)

(2016.02.08) I wrote these missives for my friend who was editing Fleshbot, Nick Denton’s Gawker porno blog, back in 2005. The original articles may or may not still be onliné. Certainly very few of the “profiles” at BigMuscle or BigMuscleBears still are. I dug up the files and mildly edited them for publication here.


In our quest to diversify Fleshbot’s range of editorial voices outsource some writing work, we’re pumped and bearish to introduce a new guest columnist. Each Wednesday in April, Joe Clark, a previous contributor, quills the Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears). He’s the only man to write about making porn accessible to people with disabilities (op. cit.) and tussle with Fleshbot’s owner and write a 4,600-word critique of BigMuscle(Bears).com’s nonstandard HTML.

Episode 1

It’s spring (though, sadly, not in Australia), and a young man’s fancy turns to... oh, I don’t know, tank tops and so on. Not on oneself, of course; that’s what we have the Internet for.

Herewith some links to notable (indeed bookmarkable) profiles at BigMuscle and BigMuscleBears, with an additional diamond and lump of coal also identified. I’ll tend to shy away from fellows who use BM(B) as a de facto blog with added nudism; real gay bloggers use BM(B) as an adjunct for “dating” (viz. BJ, Bald Sarcasm, Joe · My · God, LittleMinx).

Woofboy (né HairyCocksman)
A bald Franco-Ontarian living in Vancouver. Where do I sign, right? Sadly, (a) he’s circumcised and (b) he’s already got some old guy putting him in his place. (I’d buy the video.) Makes a fetching spectacle in a leather short pantalon.
BigMuscle is a kind of J. Crew catalogue for gays. Let me rephrase that – for gays shopping for new tattoo designs. You may not match Eclectic’s alopecia (please, God, let it be totalis!); neither may you duplicate the yellow umbra around his bright-blue-and-red chest illustration.
Somebody on BigMuscle simply has to be a specialist in diagnostic imaging. Run me an MRI, will you, and tell me which region of the brain responds so strongly to perfect proportions? Because, like a few cells in my hypothalamus, that region is larger than average.
Bodybuilding Ph.D.s tend toward titanic egotism even more often than bodybuilding master’s students. But here’s one guy whose donorcycle I’d be happy to ride. “Potential fuckmates should preferably identify as gay... and should be ‘out.’ [...] Colorado seems to be full of ‘discreet’ (or worse, the misspelled ‘discrete’) men, a term I identify with the closeted, homophobic, and dishonest.”

Pick hit

Lovers, with an apparently perfect life, whose photographs synæsthetically impart a powerful tactility. Superb tattoos. Their science-fiction-quality dungeon includes a ceiling-mounted sling with apparently excellent ergonomics.

Must to avoid

A lot of what you need in a black man, if only one could overlook his shout-out to the Orwellian Web site 2016.02.08, where the difference between “sexual orientation” and “racism” is collapsed to nothingness. By that logic, gays are sexist, but I suppose that’s already deemed tautological in some quarters.

Episode 2

Pick hit

Écossais: I’ve got a whole collection of ex-military BigMuscle(que)ers. Eric here is possibly Tucson’s only French-speaking ex-Navy and -Army greyhound rescuer with his own and his lover’s names tattooed on his deltoid in a dead alphabet.

Must to avoid

TravelingHotJock: Another profile on Why can’t we see this guy’s face? “Let me explain something. I have a very high-profile career and a great career in the entertainment business. I value my privacy and need to and value the privacy of others. I do not want my face plastered all over the world for conversation for idle gossip chatter[er]s throughout – cannot afford to professionally. Thus, my motto is I will meet anywhere, anytime to prove my face matches body.” All right – see you over at Rock Hudson’s place, maybe 8:30? We can get Roy Cohn to play “Stardust” on the piano.

Episode 3

Pick Hit

Muscle Monkey: Flatly the best-written profile on BigMuscle. “I’ve already fucked the few hot guys in town long ago and the rest are good friends of mine, so the thrill is gone.... [Other guys are] all on those goddamned sex hook-up sites [like, I dunno, BigMuscle?] that have taken the place of good old-fashioned tire-kicking.... I was a varsity jock in high school, screwed chicks through college, change my own oil and prefer dogs to cats. I nevertheless have zero confusion about who I am or how much I appreciate having my BEEFY ASS NAILED IN HALF by big-dicked musclemen.... [N]or do I hide my contempt for that particularly repugnant fraternity of fellas who are in the best shape of their lives yet nevertheless can still be found with their Jack Russell terriers... Lest we forget, beauty is temporary; stupid is forever.” Even I tried to line up a date with this guy in Austin. Tried.

Episode 4: Superspecial Ginger Edition!

It’s not enough to be queer, limiting you to a steady 3% of the population and an unreliable subset of Italianate construction laborers with wedding bands hidden in their coverall pockets. Of course you must also desperately hanker for the rarest phenotype save for albinism, the redhead. (It could be worse: You could fancy the black redhead, giving you a de facto fetish for Malcolm X [Denzel Washington, shurely?!].)

Anyway, as the author of the conversation-piece Web page documenting the Redhead Cluster Phenomenon, it goes without saying that I maintain an inventory of BigMuscleGingers. (By the way, the Phenomenon isn’t mystical; it can be explained by a Poisson or a quadratic distribution, but none of the mathematicians or physicists I’ve polled has been able to explain it understandably. Fleshbot readers with Ph.D.s in applicable fields are hereby recruited for that job.)

I present, then, a firecrotch hit parade. If homosexualism-plus-redheadedness weren’t already a cruel Venn diagram of overlapping circles, consider that, for mutual satisfaction, any redhead I deal with pretty much has to be an hair fetishist. Needless to say, not a lot of those saunter up to me at the Steamworks. This is my tragedy.

Pick Hit

SFHairyMuscle & RustyWheeler: It writes itself, really: BigMuscle(Bears)’s double-ginger power couple. Why are they not doing their own porn? (Well, with their plethora of personal ads, I guess they are.) We’d be worried for, or excited over, their alien ginger offspring, were it biologically possible. (Red-headed stepchildren, perhaps?) These men knew of me by reputation from the Redhead Cluster Phenomenon. I met them on the patio of the Black Eagle; they were curiously guarded, but I can confirm, from an arm’s-length distance, the duo’s overweening interest in “[r]ipe sweaty pits.”

Thus brings to a conclusion a gruelling month of trawling through profiles on the gay Web sites with the worst HTML in the world – all to unearth diamonds (and, this week, topazes) for you, dear reader. If I may quote “the Canadian minister of movies” in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, “Thanks for having me, buddy.”

To end, a factoid: We do not have an ad on BigMuscle(Bears), being none of those morphemes save perhaps for the plural.

Originally published 2005 ¶ Updated here 2016.02.08 14:58

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